Surprising Things That Turn-Ons for Women

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Surprising things that turn on a woman. When I casually asked my friend Becky about secret turn-ons for women, she didn’t hesitate for a second. “Doing the dishes,” she responded, as her husband looked at her in disbelief. “That’s hot!”

This term refers to the ability to appreciate your partner as separate and different from yourself. When you have a sense of personal autonomy in your relationship—as opposed to a feeling of “fusion” or total unity—you’re able to see your partner as something exciting and attractive because they’re something you still don’t fully understand or have. A 2010 study by psychologists Dr. Karen Sims and Dr. Marta Meana suggested this distance between two people can trigger sexual desire.

For many women, turn-ons aren’t about traditional romantic gestures like getting roses or canoodling during candlelit dinners. Simple, everyday rituals like pitching in with the dishes or having coffee together at sunrise can be downright sexy. (Listen up, fellas, you don’t even need to spring for a card.)

Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a couples therapist in Mt. Kisco, N.Y., and author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage says, “When a partner can count on these kinds of little loving gestures being ongoing, it really makes for the kind of connection that’s absolutely necessary to have a relationship hang on through the good and the bad and all the crazy stuff.”

She adds, “Caring gestures make women feel really good. Guys don’t realize how important they are for women when it comes to getting turned on in the bedroom. To connect physically, they really need that emotional and mental connection.”

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Unloading the Groceries

Lori Bizzoco, a writer and stay-at-home mom in Brooklyn, N.Y., says her husband not only helps out with the dishes but also with household chores and taking care of their 2-year-old daughter. But what she appreciates most is that when she comes home from the store, he will always come out to the car to help unload bags because he knows she’s got a bad back.

“What makes it special,” she says, “is that he never rubs any of what he does in my face or complains. He simply believes these things are what husbands are supposed to do. That to me is the biggest turn-on of all!”

Sharing A Cup of Joe

Beverly Solomon of Lampasas, Texas, has been married to artist and designer Pablo Solomon for 35 years and works side-by-side with him managing their art business.

“Of course, there are many reasons that our love has endured,” she says. “But the one thing that I really love is that Pablo brings me my first cup of coffee each morning.”

He rises much earlier than she does and brews coffee as he begins working on his art. When he sees her bedside light turn on, he brings her coffee over to her.

“We usually have a cup together on our veranda while watching the sun come up over our ranch,” she says. “We like to give thanks and to plan our day.”

Giving Her a Break

After an especially long day at work, Robin Siebold, a psychotherapist in Melbourne, Fla., says, her husband of five years knows exactly how to lift her spirits. He will surprise her by showing up at her workplace with his tow truck and loading her car onto his flatbed.

“I feel like I am always putting out fires at work, so at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is one more thing like drive home,” she says. “So when I walk out of work and he is sitting in the parking lot patiently waiting for me, it always makes me smile! And I feel appreciated.”

Showering Her With Sweets

Teresa Joyce, a product designer in Austin, Texas, adores how her husband brings her home a candy bar several times a week. He doesn’t have a sweet tooth, but he knows how much she craves chocolate, so on his way out of work, he stops by the vending machine to pick up an Almond Joy or Hershey’s bar.

“After 20 years of marriage, you’re not as mushy,” she says. “We don’t talk much during the day. So that’s how I know he’s thinking about me.”

Saying “I’m Sorry”

Berit Brogaard, a philosophy and psychology professor at the University of Missouri, St. Louis, is single. But what she loved most about her partner in a previous relationship was that he was quick to say, “I am sorry,” when he was clearly at fault.

“A simple apology when deserved expresses a deep kind of respect for the other person,” she says. “Once you are with someone who is emotionally fair and considerate, I no longer care about dishes or who does what. And, for me, it’s a definite turn-on.”

Making them happy in Bed

90% of women in the world can increasingly love you if you make them happy in bed (sexually), if your sexual life is not ok then means you will be having problems with them and so the better way if you have such issues is to come to men’s clinic and sick for help in order to save your relationship.

Object-of-desire affirmation

The study found women are particularly inclined to be turned on when they feel they’re being viewed as attractive and desirable by another person—and this actually emerged as being the most significant factor of the three in determining female desire.

“Women often adopt an erotic self-focus, instead of a relational one, during sexual activities with a partner,” the researchers explain. “This has led to the suggestion that female desire may be partly narcissistic in nature and that affirmation as an object of desire may be an important pathway to it for women.”

In other words, women tend to be a little self-focused when it comes to sex: They want to be desired and to affirm their own sense of self-worth. Past research has shown women feeling good about themselves and their bodies is an important ingredient for sexual functioning and sexual satisfaction. The researchers note self-validation may be the actual important factor here, but external confirmation can be an effective way to stoke those feelings of confidence.

One point of evidence of how important feeling attractive is to female desire: Women’s fantasies, the researchers note, tend to involve things like having sex with strangers, being exposed, and other things that involve confirming their own sexual value. One 2006 study found straight women get particularly turned on when they hear their partner has been fantasizing about them.

For women, a combination of all three may be important.

The study found the three factors were all related: Having more intimacy in your relationship, whether steady or casual, was associated with having more celebrated otherness, which itself was associated with more object-of-desire affirmation. In steady relationships specifically, more intimacy was also associated with feeling more object-of-desire affirmation.

“A possible explanation for this finding could be that intimacy provides the trust necessary to allow for the experience of separateness, and the safety needed for the expression of oneself as a sexual being,” the researchers explain. “Celebrating otherness in the interaction and immersing oneself in the sexual acknowledgment by one’s partner may conversely enhance the emotional significance attributed to and the emotional closeness experienced with them.”

Why does desire decrease after a while in long-term relationships?

Confirming popular wisdom, the study found sexual desire tends to decline after a relationship goes on for a while. Women with casual partners tended to have higher levels of desire for their partner than women in longer relationships. For those with steady partners, the longer the relationship was, the less intimacy celebrated otherness, and object-of-desire affirmation there was.

“Decreased desire in long-term relationships has often been attributed to increased intimacy between partners, which may lead to overfamiliarity or even fusion,” the researchers write. “The results of the current study, however, do not support the idea that intimacy increases with relationship duration. In fact, intimacy was negatively correlated with the length of the relationship with a steady partner. … These results could imply that decreased desire is not so much related to an excess of intimacy as to a shortage of intimacy, celebrated otherness, and ODA that develops over the course of a relationship.”

In other words, when a woman stops being attracted to her partner over the course of a long relationship, it’s not so much that she’s feeling too close to the person—it may be that she’s actually lacking the feelings of closeness, as well as the novelty and appreciation, that tend to spark desire.

Looking to turn up the heat with or as a woman?

These findings suggest the secret lies in creating more emotional closeness, playing with the idea of mystery and discovery, and most importantly, making her feel valued and sexy.

As Esther Perel tells mpg, eroticism is largely a product of human imagination—it has less to do with physical sexuality and everything to do with the sexuality of the mind.